In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
