he looks like a really good dad on facebook
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
