Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
