You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
