I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
