I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
