the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
