Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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