i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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