Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
