He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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