I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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