I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
