Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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