If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
