I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
