i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
