all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
