Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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