Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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