Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
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