I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
