I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
