i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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