There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
