Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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