I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
