I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
