im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
