dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
