I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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