I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this boner is exhausting
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
