words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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