Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
