I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
