Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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