i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
