i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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