i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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