when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
