I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
