Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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