I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
