I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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