Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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