Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
