I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
