I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You are a genius and a whore.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
