wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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