his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
