I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
