So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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