I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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