Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
