this beer tastes like vomit already
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
