The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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