I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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