So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
